Writing About Writing

First of all, I'm gonna warn you: this is not a poems nor stories. Oh and yes, this is not any of my creative/artistic writing or stuff. This probably is a bunch of rant about things that happened recently. So if you don't wanna see the "behind the scene" part of me, you might wanna just skip this post.

So, I think like two or three weeks a go, I finished, let's say, a long writing that you could call a novel. I'm quite happy about it because I think it's the first decent "novel" I've ever wrote. It is technically too short and I'm SO gonna fix it because I know I need to go through on some details and shit and I need help for that. I need someone's slap on my face to tell me which part is bad, which is okay, which is good and revise it. Period. Oh and by the way, don't leave a message in my face saying something like,"I wanna read it!" or "Can I see that?" because it's so not gonna happen.

What I actually wanna say here is: I feel weird. I enjoyed the whole working time when I wrote it, I enjoyed ALL TIME I spent for writing anything. But there's something wrong with this. I don't know what. The fact that I put effort to do it? Or is it because I wrote this and worrying other stuff in my life? I don't know. Something doesn't feel just right and I hate it. I don't hate the result, for sure. It's my baby. It's just... I don't know. Insecurity because it's my first time doing it properly? Maybe. But I'm not sure about it.

I think what bother me so much is one thing. I don't wanna be a failed writer. I mean, it's okay to write bad shits and of course, amazing stuff. But failed as a writer? Oh look, Angel of Death is ready to take your soul to hell.

I don't say that I'm afraid people don't like my creations. No. Art has that subjective side. Always. Some people gonna love, some gonna hate. Like music! Some people are into One Direction, some into Sleeping With Sirens and there's nothing wrong with it. People can like my writing, they also can hate them. I'm gonna write anything that I want to write.

But I can't. I can't. I just fucking can't be a failed writer.

You know what I mean? It's not about getting your writing published and got in bestseller rack. It's not about it. I just wanna write and I don't wanna be a failed writer.

Even though after all, I know that failed writers are those who writes for pleasuring other than their own self. And I'm not one of those.

Maybe I'm afraid that I can't write anymore. I currently having lots and lots of thoughts that are so absurd I almost can't put into words. They are like clouds in my head I feel like I'm high. Beside I'm so fucking tired. I feel small. I feel high. I feel like I wanna curl all day and night on my bed. I feel like I wanna travel the universe. I wanna scream. I wanna jump off the cliff. I wanna sit quitely in the corner and just watching people.

Oh look, you have to drain venom out of your body.

Do you know it feels like they take your oxygen supply when they take your pen?

I think I'm gonna write forever, or else, I'd die.

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